Recover-me

I used to feel like I could do anything, But now I feel scared and small, question everything I used to feel like I could do anything, I pace against the clock, work the hours of many men, tick toc, tik toc. Now I feel small and brain mush, dreams crushed and a needy giant I have become. I didn't know life could look like this...push uphill, keep falling, keep submitting, keep feeling not willing, lack,lack, hope permitting, hope-fully carry on.. Is there a way through this mess? How I miss the days when I felt like I could do anything.

Everything, so fleeting...

Lost in the desert

I wanted to try to come up with a crude theory of how and why we might possibly have come to this point in time in the world. A time where there is limited truth, great division and a general sense of being lost in a seemingly formless desert. Crudely put, below are the general streams of progress in thought across the last 5 centuries: 1500s: Reformation, Humanism, Scholasticism, Renaissance 1600s: Enlightenment, Rationalism, Empiricism, Skepticism 1700s: Romanticism, Idealism, Materialism, Utilitarianism 1800s: Positivism, Pragmatism, Existentialism, Marxism 1900s: Postmodernism, Structuralism, Deconstruction, Feminism My current theory is that there's a convergence of the outcomes of the *reformation (1517) and into the 1600s (Enlightenment, Rationalism, Empiricism, Skepticism) *and Postmodernism (1870-ish onwards) and the rise of individual truth, rejection of grand narratives and essentialism. At the same time, we're running away from a tyrannical religious spirit that has been repressive and guilt inducing (mostly, if not holistically from the misunderstanding of God and fallen traditions of mankind), and that now we find ourselves lost in the desert worshipping false idols (think overarching context of exodus) and in our current journey not knowing if we want to turn back to the Pharaoh or stay in the desert. While only a few of us are still seeking the distant hope of the promised land. Furthermore.. It's either God's plan for us to go far enough away from him that we organically turn back to him and what is essentially good, or alternatively, it is not his ideal plan at all, but he will ultimately use it for the good of those called according to his purpose etc.. To add to this.. The globalisation of information through the internet and social media has accelerated the effects of all of this in an exponential way in a very short space of time. ... Say in the last 5 years

No Barrier

Tonight really confirmed something to me.. That there is no barrier in understanding and connecting to another person despite age, sex or religion. This was really humbling to me. As I know this on a fundamental and logical level, but I was blown away by this conversation. I am struck with an awe of how it is possible to develop such a deep channel of communication and understanding with someone within a very short conversation.. I don't know if this is a reflection on the need for 2 way honesty in conversation, or does it reflect on the magic that exists in each individual person and sometimes that is able to be unlocked by someone who has the right set of keys. Maybe the keys are a common understanding of the world, maybe commonality in a similar set of life challenges, or maybe just something mysterious and unnameable. Either way, I have to say that I was moved by this brief discourse.. It made me believe in people and reflect on the true value that we can actually offer each other. We are each great treasures to be offered and shared with each other in the purest sense.

36

Sometimes I truly wonder whether the darkness will let up.. The frustration and anxiety in my head. There is the question, does it end? What is hardest to me is the constant overwhelming emotion, being up, being down. Then the satisfaction of a fleeting moment, immediately followed by the squashing grind of challenges seemingly too hard. Piled on top, make sure to give me a generous helping of never being enough and trusty comparison; the enemy of happiness. Only ever enough time to scratch the surface of many things, but then feeling so imprisoned by the inability to change the situation. In honesty, at 36, I can see why the statistics for suicide are skewed towards my demographic. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is hard to reflect on the good that is so abundant because it is veiled and out of reach for me. Except for the small momentary alignment that is often brought on by alcohol or exacting circumstances. Nothing to add but this... I hope I can squeeze the tar out of my mind and get some clarity soon.

Right through my chest

Walk by the ancient pebble lined river, find the perfect stone. Push it through me, in my chest and out of my leather bound heart. You are a familiar feeling to me, just like coming home. Though in 10,000 steps, I do not find you.. your feeling is like a fire soaked cave, enclosed with an orange glow. River and cave I have, bring me to your fleeting portal. But you do not sustain in your honesty, each sense as it rises grounds me to the untruth of the dirt beneath my feet.

A message in a bottle for my son

My son, One day I hope this meets you in your time of need. In life you are going to experience pain and I want to prepare you for that emptiness. I have stood where you stand now. I have gone before you so that you can know that you are not alone. When lonliness comes... and it will... know that I am with you and that I love you. I wish that someone had told me what I am telling you now. Stand up Straight Have Courage Ask for help, and know that sometimes help will not come. In those times remember to concentrate your power outwards, and in doing so, this will anchor you. Focus on your own actions that are good and draw near to the things that give you life. Sometimes it will feel like you are completely alone and that there is no one who could possibly understand you. And prepare yourself for the depth of weight of the fact that this may be true in your present moment. But... Hold yourself in the truth that you were formed together by your creator, your are a one in a trillion chance. The significance of your life and every breath you take cannot be measured. Allow me to describe the emptiness so that you will recognise it when it draws near. You will feel like there is no person who you could conceptualize who might meet you at the point in which you find yourself. You will begin to reach out to someone and then stop yourself. And sometimes, even when you succeed in reaching out, you feel emptier and less understood as a result. Just know this... You are not alone and I love you.